20 Things Nobody Tells You About Fatherhood

Unlike, say, a lawnmower, babies don’t come with a manual. You learn on the job. In the meantime, use this cheat sheet . . . and pray.

- Michael Pickering

01 // YOU HAVE TO LIKE CHARADES?

Children are sponges. They pick up language without even trying . . . but when you really need them to use it, they won’t. Where does it hurt? What are you angry about? They can answer you, but why would they when they can also use a pleghmy, guttural, non-verbal, annoyingly repetitive whining? Translate that, dad.

02 // NITS ARE BASTARDS:

Nits will be doing blow with cockroaches and herpes after the coming nuclear winter. And once they establish a beachhead in your kid’s hair, it’s war. To stop the incessant itching (oh, the itching), you will drop an obscene amount of money on Nit Out™ and a bunch of other targeted products that are useless against the sticky little effers. Best bet? Tea Tree hair conditioner and a nit brush, combed through repeatedly over three or four nights with warm water in the bath. Good luck, solider. Hope you make it back.

03 // Embrace teetotalism:

Discover this one on your own. There is nothing worse in this world than parenting with a hangover. NOTHING. Your half-a-bottle-of-red after dinner days are over, sport.

04 // Beware of tooth fairy inflation:

Twenty cents for a lost tooth when we were nippers. Today, entrepreneurial kids must be tempted to knock their own infant teeth out given some parents hand out 10s and 20s. Insanity. Five buck limit, please.

05 // Hand sanitiser works:

A children’s playground in the middle of winter. Twenty little terrors running around, their cute little red-tipped noses absolute factories of thick, runny snot, which they proceed to rub all over the equipment. Here comes your little one! Ready to swing his or her way into an horrific cold, or worse, which will eventually infect your entire household and extended family. This is when you understand why there is such a thing as hand sanitiser.