One Crazy Idea To Empower Women?

THE #METOO MOVEMENT has sparked valuable conversations about gender, power, and sex around the world.

- Esther Perel

It also poses the question: What is the matter with men?

Plenty, you might say. But I’m talking about a sickness and sadness that is real. Consider: While many women struggle with depression, men are more likely to commit suicide, research shows. And compared with women, men have twice the risk of heart disease, just one of the various ailments that, on the whole, drives them to earlier graves.

Why is this? If the world is so set upto favor men, how is it that vast numbers of them are miserable?

I’ve worked as a couples therapist internationally for decades. In all that time I have focused on relationships—what makes them flourish, what zaps them of their romance. But recently I have felt compelled to turn more attention toward men. From what I’ve seen, the level of shame that men deal with around their identity as a man has made it almost impossible for them to seek and receive the support they need to thrive in their interpersonal relationships. That has grave ramifications for women. Insecure men demean women, sometimes worse. So of course women are frustrated. But just as retribution does not mend a relationship, neither is it a long-term solution to a societal ill. Punishment is warranted in some cases. But a resignation or dismissal from a high-profile job, for example, is not the sole option. It does not always provide complete (or even partial) restitution for victims, nor is it a blanket fix.

We’ve been tempted to zero in on a few bad apples, but that approach is misguided. Centuries of data tell us purges don’t work. The issue is bigger than individuals, and censure alone is not a path forward.