I thought my depression was a failure of my faith, something to be hidden, even from God.
I’D KNOWN HER SINCE MIDDLE school. That’s why I’d felt comfortable inviting myself over to her place that night. “Just thought we could catch up,” I’d told her, which wasn’t exactly true.
I had just picked out my hair, so my twists were a bit longer than usual; when wet they would hang nearly over my eyes. I flashed a big disarming smile. “I’m great,” I said. “Got some big projects coming up at work.”
Also, not exactly true. I was 28, a year out of Harvard’s Kennedy School of Government, working in city government on a yearlong fellowship. To my family and friends, I was on the fast track. But inside I was tormented by dark, self-destructive thoughts I’d wrestled with since I was a kid. I was at least 30 pounds overweight. My latest girlfriend had essentially dumped me, saying she was “just moving on.” Not that I could blame her. My whole life, I’d kept everyone at arm’s length, never revealing the real me, making it hard to get close.
I’d been taught that my depression came from a lack of faith. Another way I was falling short. It made me angry at God. Why wouldn’t he help me? I’d decided to take matters in my own hands. This last get-together with my old friend was fitting. I only hoped, when it was all over, she and others would be able to forgive me, to understand that I could no longer live with the torment.
My dad had been the GM of a large automobile plant in Dallas. It provided a comfortable life for my mom and older brother, Chris, and me. My mom showed her love through her cooking: Southern favorites like fried catfish and cheese grits, and Cajun dishes from her Louisiana roots. A clean plate was both polite and customary.
この記事は Guideposts の May 2019 版に掲載されています。
7 日間の Magzter GOLD 無料トライアルを開始して、何千もの厳選されたプレミアム ストーリー、9,000 以上の雑誌や新聞にアクセスしてください。
すでに購読者です ? サインイン
この記事は Guideposts の May 2019 版に掲載されています。
7 日間の Magzter GOLD 無料トライアルを開始して、何千もの厳選されたプレミアム ストーリー、9,000 以上の雑誌や新聞にアクセスしてください。
すでに購読者です? サインイン
In the Everyday
Cooking, cleaning, breaking up the kids’ fights... If only I had a few minutes for myself!
Worst-Case Scenario?
I’d had nagging injuries before and always recovered. Why wasn’t I confident that I would get better this time?
Honor Thy Son
I was a Marine officer, a lifer—or so I thought. Then came Patrick
Keeping It Real
In an age of social media, we're experiencing an epidemic of loneliness. Two friends who met online tell you how to grow an authentic connection
What You Wish For
She never wanted to see her abusive father again
God's Pillow
In 2016, the Soberanes Fire in Northern California was the costliest ever in the United States. It almost cost me my life, despite the promise I made to my wife
"I Heard You Praying"
As a hospital chaplain, I had seen hopeless cases. But never one more seemingly hopeless than this
"I Love You, Dad!"
Some of your favorite GUIDEPOSTS writers share what they learned from their fathers
Harold and Me
They’re nearly all gone now, the generation we call The Greatest.” This woman’s mission was to honor one of them
The Race Before Her
For this Olympic champion, success bred her greatest fear. How five verses set her free