The Realities Of Being A Stay-At-Home Dad

Former pastor Cliff Tam discovered the true essence of fatherhood upon embracing the role of a stay-at-home dad four years ago, shattering societal prejudices along the way.

- CLIFF TAM 

I never intended to become the primary caregiver in my family, let alone a stay-at-home dad (SAHD). When my wife Wai Jia, a medical doctor in the public health sector, had to return to work to fulfil a bond in early 2019, we had to make a decision about how to care for our two girls, who were then two years old and three months old.

I always assumed we would send them to daycare, while I continued my work as a church pastor. But the more we thought about it, the less sense it made. Why should I give my paycheck to a stranger to look after my kids? So four years ago, I decided to become a stay-at-home dad.

I asked myself, "How hard can this be? I’ve done hard things before." I am a 43-yearold liver cancer survivor who had undergone a liver transplant when I was 10.

Since then, I’ve participated in numerous triathlons and marathons, including the Ironman triathlon. If I could train myself to swim 3.8 km, bike 180 km, and run a marathon in 14 hours, I could do this.

I was wrong. Compared to being a SAHD, running the Ironman was a warm-up. Becoming a SAHD drove me to despair. I struggled with the mundaneness of chores and looking after my girls. It felt like all my ambitions and dreams were gone. I felt stuck in this hopeless situation, and there seemed to be no way out.

Whenever I took my children to a "Mums and Tots" play group, I questioned my identity. What was I, a guy, doing among a sea of mums and children? Did I even belong? I was only there because I needed a place for my children to play.

Whenever I took my girls out, I felt like I was an exotic animal in a zoo as strangers would stare at me. Once, a cashier even pointed at me and called me a "housewife". I can’t lie, that did not feel good.