Can You Defuse A Relationship Time Bomb?

Creating balance in a long relationship can be a minefield of misunderstandings, as author Anna Maxted knows...

- Anna Maxted

Even after 19 years of marriage, I’m slow to sense when my relationship is out of sync. Then, over several grey days, I’ll realise there’s a briskness to our chats, less easy laughter. My husband Phil and I will talk in cool practical terms, mainly about our kids. Phil will pointedly clean the kitchen, practising ‘aggression tidying’ – banging cupboards, plates – until I feel tense enough to scream.

Usually, our relationship is balanced, or it wouldn’t have lasted. He cooks and drives more; I do the washing and the tax. I hate doing the tax, but it’s only fair.

And yet, when Phil starts bashing crockery, it dawns on me we’re out of kilter. “We need to talk,” I’ll snarl. “Why are you being such a brat?” A furious argument will ensue, all “you never” –exactly what therapists warn against. In one exchange, Phil declared, “You never hug me!” I retorted that I’d had terrible news about a relative; I felt sad and introspective. “Anyhow,” I growled, “your family is more tactile than mine.” Then I considered how cold I’d been. I hugged him. He hugged me. We reset the scales.

We all have a vision of normality. Then something happens – the death of a parent, a big work project or concerns about one of your children. And any of those external pressures can destabilise your relationship...