Waist of time

Say hello to a new addition to the post-pandemic family!

- Bijoy Venugopal

THE OTHER DAY, I bumped into a neighbour I hadn't seen in years. We exchanged customary pleasantries and stared at each other through our fogged glasses, smiling awkwardly under our masks. I told him, quite honestly, that he hadn't changed at all in the last decade. I expected him to repay the compliment. Instead, he asked me if I was into Carnatic music. Puzzled, I told him I was very much a Classic Rock guy. I thought I heard him snicker into his N95 mask. Later that evening, while I was polishing off the remnants of a box of Mysore Pak, I got the joke.

Ha.

Truth hurts. But I resolved there was no point living in denial. So I began filling up an Aadhaar application for a new family member. No, no... congratulations are not in order. This new addition was nurtured lovingly over the past two years. Take a guess. Well, you could say it's a pet. Hmm, yes, it's a bit furry. No, not a dog or a cat. Oh, you want a clue? It has mass and occupies space. Nourished with loads of love, not enough fresh air, and oodles of sloth, it has attained an affirmative identity and an imposing personality.

It's my post-pandemic paunch, dear reader, and it has laid my pre-pandemic wardrobe to waist. It keeps me in shape, because round is a shape. And, Ed Sheeran be damned, I'm not in love with the shape of me.