I felt like I had to HIDE MY GRIEF

After three tragedies, Amy Everatt was determined no other parent should feel alone

- Amy Everatt

Baby Loss Awareness Week runs from 9-15 October and is an opportunity to mark the lives of babies lost in pregnancy or soon after birth. For more information, advice or support, go to tommys.org

I can still remember the fake smile I put on for my daughter Lilia’s third birthday. It was October 2014 and, as she enjoyed a tea party at my mum’s house, it took all of my strength not to let any tears fall. I was 19 weeks pregnant, but just days earlier my unborn baby had stopped moving and doctors had confirmed their heart had stopped beating. Mum and my husband Oliver, 36, kept giving me reassuring and supportive looks, but Lilia was oblivious to the pain I was hiding.

It was devastating, but it wasn’t the first time we’d experienced loss.

When Lilia was born in 2011, she was perfect. Oliver and I ran a family farming business in Nottinghamshire and I loved taking Lilia out to feed the ducks. When I fell pregnant again in June 2013, we were delighted.

After the 12-week scan, we told people we were expecting. Lilia was excited to be a big sister, and when the baby started kicking, around 14 weeks, she’d lay her hands on my tummy. But days after Lilia’s second birthday, that October, I realised I hadn’t felt the baby move in a while. Trying to stay calm, I told myself it was because I’d been busy, but after phoning my midwife, I visited a clinic to get checked.

‘I’m sorry, I can’t find a heartbeat,’ the midwife said. I was stunned. A hospital scan confirmed our baby had died. Oliver and I were distraught, but our ordeal wasn’t over.

Being 19 weeks pregnant meant I’d have to give birth to our baby, and I was sent home for an agonising five-day wait to be induced.