'I help people pass in peace as a death doula'

The experience of losing a parent aged 14 led Alexandra Derwen, 42, from North Wales, to work as a guide for the dying in their final days

- JOSIE COPSON

I let myself into the house and make my way to the bedroom, where he is lying on the bed. After a lifetime of independence, this man doesn’t want strangers coming into his home to nurse him through the final stages of his cancer. I touch his shoulder and he opens his eyes, a little smile flickering across his face.

He says to me, “I’m dying.”

I reply, “Yes, you are.”

The man takes great comfort in someone acknowledging his reality.

He goes on to die in hospital and I am with him all the way, until his last breath. That’s all he wanted, a companion on that last journey.

And as a death doula, that is my job – providing spiritual and emotional support for a dying person and their loved ones. I’m different from end-of-life support workers, as I can give continuity of care, unlimited time and get to know my clients closely.

The word doula means a trained companion and most people associate them with birth. But this kind of support can be just as important at the end of life.

My clients usually have a terminal diagnosis or simply don’t have long left due to old age. I’ve also worked with parents whose children are dying and people bereaved in unexpected, tragic circumstances, like murder or suicide.

I believe I was destined to do this job. My choice of career was sealed when my dad died from leukaemia five months after his diagnosis, when I was 14. I was with him at the hospital just after he died.

I sat on his bed, touched his face and sang one of my favourite songs, No Need To Argue by The Cranberries, which includes the line, “I knew that I would lose you.”