The Etch a Sketch Effect Will Explain Every Breakup You've Ever Had

It's not you, it's him.

- KAYLA KIBBE

Stop me if this sounds familiar. Your relationship is going great (no, like, for real though), when your boyfriend gets some bad news. Maybe he got passed up for a promotion; maybe his childhood dog died. Whatever it is, it has nothing to do with you or the state of your union. And yet, faster than you can say, "Hey, man, you're being weird-what is happening?" you're single.

You, my friend, may be a victim of a little thing I like to call the Etch a Sketch Effect. Reminder if it's been a while: An Etch a Sketch toy has no "backspace" button-if one little aspect of your design doesn't go according to plan, you have to shake the entire thing and start from scratch.

Still with me? Okay. From what I've gathered and I've gathered a lot in five years as a sex and relationships writer and twice as long as a sex and relationships haver-this is what many cishet men seem to do in the face of a particular challenge. They shake up their whole lives, including your relationship, in an effort to correct one small thing.

Why Though?

If the term Etch a Sketch Effect sounds unfamiliar, that's because, hi, I just coined it. But you don't have to take only my word (although you totally could) that this is a Real Phenomenon. Psychotherapist Rachel Sussman, founder of Sussman Counseling in New York City, is also familiar with this pattern. She says it's usually an attempt to hang on to power when things feel chaotic. In blowing up his life,"firing things and people he can control," she says, your partner is trying to reclaim a sense of agency. Probably because he was never taught to process emotion in a healthy way.