WHEN YOU BECOME Mom

Having a baby has an impact on all your relationships, but particularly the one with your mother. Setting boundaries means you can benefit from the advice that really is worth hearing.

No matter how well you prepare for motherhood, the impact it has on your relationship with your mom will always come as a surprise. Having a child fundamentally shifts your relationship with your mother, believes psychotherapist Rosjke Hasseldine, an expert on mother-daughter relationships and the author of The Mother Daughter Puzzle. 'It's up there with getting married. When a woman becomes a mom, she spends a lot of time analysing the mothering she received growing up,' says Rosjke. 'That process starts the moment a woman gets pregnant. Any flaws in their relationship come to the fore."

She may also soon discover how much or in some cases, how little care is given by her close family. This is a time in a daughter's life when she needs a lot of support and nurturing herself,' she explains. "If that's simply not how her mother operates, it can become quite a problem. It can leave a new mom feeling unsupported, let down and angry with her mom.' This is confounded by differences in how generations parent. 'Mothers today want to be women in their own right, whereas their moms may have been part of a generation defined by motherhood,' she points out. 'I hear many daughters, who may want to go back to work quite soon, reeling against being defined by this new part of their identity. This can cause mothers and daughters to clash over what it means to be a good mother.'

But it is possible to make the most of this inevitable change and use it to gain some deeper understanding and a better relationship with your mom, she adds.

REDEFINE ROLES