TO BE A MIDDLE-AGED MAN IN SOUTHERN California is to find yourself saying, with alarming frequency, "Yeah, I'm one of those assholes now." If you've come from somewhere else-somewhere more corn-fed and homespun and other synonyms for unhealthy-you may adopt a wholesome habit out here. You may reap physical and emotional benefits, and you will be clowned to death by your friends from home. CrossFit, breath work, bullshitting through a gratitude journal-I've tried them all. Some have had a positive impact on my life; others have given me items to sell on OfferUp. (I'm looking at you, matcha stirring bowl.)
This year has been especially busy on the humiliatingly healthy habits front. Maybe it's a post-Covid focus on fitness, or a more robust wellness marketplace, or the fact that I hit my 50s and need to get that shit started now if I want to live forever. Whatever the reason, 2024 has been a boom time for people who want to sell wellness stuff to Dave Holmes, and the truth is that a lot of it works. Here's an incomplete list of the kinds of assholes I am now.
THE COLD-PLUNGE ASSHOLE
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Anthony Mackie Is One of One
His résumé is filled with indelible performances: Half Nelson. 8 Mile. The Hurt Locker. He's been Spike Lee's muse (twice) and has worked with plenty of greats. With Captain America: Brave New World, he'll lead the MCU's next decade. So why is recognition just coming now?
NEW DAD
THE AUTHOR MADE A FEW BUCKS DONATING SPERM BACK IN THE DAY. THIRTY YEARS LATER, THERE WAS A PHONE CALL. THEN ANOTHER ONE. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SUDDENLY HAVE A NEW FAMILY AT SEVENTY-ONE?
The Navy Blazer Redux
Think it's too stuffy for you? Get ready to change your perspective.
WHO'S LAUGHING AT DONALD TRUMP NOW?
He was treated like a cartoonish interloper in his first term. This time, he enters office with a shield of legitimacy that even the Democrats can't deny.
A RISING DESIGNER EYES HIS LEGACY
Brett Johnson's fresh, modern menswear is an American's take on European luxury. Conforming to expectations isn't his style.
How Much Would You Pay for Inner Peace?
The world of woo-woo has gone mainstream, so I embarked on a $16,000 retreat to see the face of God. To my great surprise, it worked...sort of.
WHERE DID ALL THE GOOD BARS GO?
An unfortunate fact of life: As you approach 50, it gets harder and harder to find a decent place to drink.
Never Again...Again
Nazi Germany has long been regarded as an ultimate, unspeakable evil, with no possible comparisons or parallels here. Not any longer.
PERFECT FOR A JOHN HUGHES VILLAIN
Brian Davis, owner of the vintage store Wooden Sleepers, thinks this is the ideal sweatshirt even though he's never shoved anyone into a locker
THE BOSS
You know him for his comedies, his love of weed, and his raspy chuckle. But at forty-two, Seth Rogen is now more powerful than you can imagineâeven if he won't admit it.
