All I want for Xmas...

Dear Santa, Cyril Ramaphosa: I have been good this year. On the other hand, perhaps I haven't.

- BEN TROVATO

It is hard to say. I am applying my mind and will let you know in due course. As a fan of your work, I am delighted to inform you that I am also applying my mind as to whether or not I should consider awarding you the Mendi Decoration for Bravery.

It takes courage to deliver gifts to kids in deprived areas where you could easily be shot or have your reindeer slaughtered for a festive shisa nyama. If that does happen, I will be quite happy to replace them with a brace of my finest Ankole cattle for a most reasonable price.

All I ask is that you leave the money inside the red sofa and not the blue one, which remains under investigation. I prefer unmarked dollar bills but, in the spirit of Christmas, euros will be fine. As for presents, all I need is a new spine and a fresh pair of testicles. Please leave these items in the bathroom rather than under the tree.

▸ John Steenhuisen: Howzit, boet. I smaak the outfit. Matches the colour my face turns when I have to deal with these ANC nitwits in Cabinet meetings. You have a lekker business model.

If this politics lark ever goes tits up, how about a partnership? Maybe a 60/40 split? I'll take the 60, if you don't mind. I've got some ideas about rejigging your distribution model.