Losing Mum STOPPED ME HAVING KIDS

Naomi Holbrook didnt want to put a child through the same pain she experienced

- NAOMI HOLBROOK METRO

It's such a waste... You'd make an amazing mum... You'd be so good with a baby...' I've had these words repeated to me constantly over the past 15 years, ever since I ended a long-term relationship at 34 and therefore it became less likely that I would 'settle down' and have children.

I'm not sure my friends realised just how painful their comments were. A reminder of the immense grief and personal loss I suffered when my own mum passed away when I was just 19. Comments that made me question my decision not to have children again and again.

Unconsciously, I think those feelings were always there. It was only when I started on my own self-development journey in my mid-40s that it finally became a clear, conscious choice.

Growing up, I was extremely close to my mum. She was, in my eyes, perfect. A strong yet soft female role model who juggled her vocation in life with raising me and my sister.

Initially a hospital theatre sister at Bristol Royal Infirmary, she went into general nursing after becoming a mum. When she was working late shifts, we always came home from school to handwritten notes and freshly baked treats.

She was a born caregiver, a real-life Florence Nightingale. She also had a wicked sense of humour that I only came to appreciate as an adult myself, and was loved by everyone whose path she crossed.

Then, when I was 12, she became critically ill. For seven years, I watched as she battled the debilitating and chronic illness myalgic encephalomyelitis (ME), until medical complications finally led to complete organ failure and her subsequent death. She was just 52.

It was hugely traumatic, but the late 80s and early 90s was not a time to express your feelings, let alone talk about your mental health.