I’D GIVEN up. No amount of willpower was enough. Every time I sat down at the computer I got up again soon after, the empty Word document a shameful testament to my lack of focus.
Some days I didn’t make it to my desk. It felt as if my thoughts were written down on Post-it notes, hundreds of Post-it notes that were swirling around in a giant wind tunnel. I was in the wind tunnel too, frantically grabbing at each slip of paper. I was supposed to be a writer. But I was a writer who didn’t write. Instead I lay in bed, paralysed with ennui and despair.
I kidded myself that this mental shutdown was a result of lockdown. It was November 2020 and a second wave of Covid-19 was coming. Everyone was struggling to concentrate, I told myself, I’d probably be fine once things settled down again.
However, in my case this had been building up for years. Blaming it on Covid was a coping mechanism, one final dogged rationalisation. It was time to see someone about it, whatever “it” was.
I had hit a similar wall during my schooldays. I knew I was different. My brain was frenetic. Sometimes frenetic and at other times like a sieve.
It’s striking how often the same comments appear in my school reports, year after year. “Prone to interrupting”, “poor presentation”, “great difficulty concentrating”, “easily distracted”.
These evolved into disciplinary problems as the years trickled by. I went from distracted child to problem child. I thought I was dyslexic for a while. I couldn’t spell and my handwriting was illegible. Other kids would write sentences, whereas I’d put squiggly lines on paper. I was that familiar classroom underachiever: disorganised, often surly, always lost in a world of my own.
Denne historien er fra 13 May 2021-utgaven av YOU South Africa.
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Denne historien er fra 13 May 2021-utgaven av YOU South Africa.
Start din 7-dagers gratis prøveperiode på Magzter GOLD for å få tilgang til tusenvis av utvalgte premiumhistorier og 9000+ magasiner og aviser.
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HOW TO BE YOUR OWN THERAPIST
With more and more of us struggling with our mental health, here's a common-sense guide to coping with life's ups and downs
SPUD: THE MAGIC CONTINUES
John van de Ruit tells us why he decided to write a sequel - and shares how his first book helped him find enduring love
SEX CONTRACT GONE WRONG
A Cape Town couple have been charged with using a young woman as a sex slave-but some say she lost the job she signed up for and now has a grudge against them
LIAM LAID TO REST
More than a month after One Direction singer LIAM PAYNE (31) tragically fell to his death from a balcony in Buenos Aires, Argentina, his loved ones finally got to say their goodbyes.
SHILOH HANGS OUT
THE two young women look like any pair of good friends chatting and laughing as they leave their dance class in Los Angeles.
LEO IN LOVE
He's just turned 50 and it seems Leonardo DiCaprio may finally be ready to settle down
PACKING A PUNCH
Irish actor Paul Mescal beefed up for his role in the blockbuster epic Gladiator II - and fans are loving it
I DIDN'T CHOOSE TO BE A LOVE CHILD
As the illegitimate daughter of the king, she fought to be recognised as part of Belgium's royal family, but Princess Delphine says she still feels unwelcome
'I STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES'
A bite from a spitting cobra 13 years ago nearly killed her but Mikayla survived - and she's made peace with her scars
THE CLAWS ARE OUT!
Things have grown frosty between the Beckhams and the Sussexes as Becks comes out in clear support of William