The End Of Ambition?
ELLE Singapore|December 2019
She was a famous writer at 23, an editor at 27 and founded a digital brand by 30. But when she finally got to the top, why did it all feel so... Empty?
Sarah Raphael
The End Of Ambition?

I’ve the appropriate laughs, and next comes that loaded question: ‘So, what do you do?’ For the past 1O years, I’ve been confident of my answer: ‘I’m a journalist and an editor.’ This was predictably almost always followed up by ‘That’s interesting, who for?’, then I’d get to really flex, because I’ve been the bigwig editor at cutting-edge media companies, from fashion magazine i-D to Refinery29 for close to four years. What came with that was an enormous amount of social cachet, demonstrated through nodding heads and whispers of ‘cool’ and ‘wow’ when I told new acqaintances.

You see, that was the bulk of who I was in my twenties until I realised that I couldn’t keep up with the fiercely ambitious and successful person I’d created. After all, it’s a vast space between how things sound at a party and how they feel dayto-day. And, at the too-young age of 31, after I’d worked so hard to get to where I was, I realised I no longer wanted it.

Ambition is a powerful motivator: the founding principle of the American Dream, what men are expected to have in abundance, and women are expected to have in a fair dose — enough to be attractive, but not so ambitious that you don’t have time to get a wax.

I was raised on ambition, taught that professional success is not just desirable but existential. My dad moved to the UK from Egypt and, at 66, still works 7O hours a week. When he arrived in England, he stacked shelves and lived on cans of beans while he qualified as a doctor. This sort of story is common among immigrants, who often instil this work ethic into their children. ‘Do it until you fall down’ was the advice he gave me when I told him I found the pressures of my job too much. ‘If you’re comfortable, you’re failing’ was another mantra he passed down.

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