Not I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here

Hollywood’s ultimate boot camp attracts stars and CEOs alike. Daniela Elser swaps her uggs for hiking boots to find out how to get fit, A-list style

“Is this it?” the woman next to me whispers. We are standing in front of a dining table, staring down at what appears to be our dinner: one teeny bowl of green salad. “Is this all we are going to get?” she says, her voice rising with panic. She has every right to be concerned.

We, along with 16 other salad-stunned guests, are about to sit down for our first dinner at The Ranch 4.0, an exclusive four-day wellness retreat near Malibu, which just happens to be Hollywood’s worst-kept weight loss secret. It boasts a cult-like following of A-listers and rich-listers, including Elle Macpherson, Selma Blair, Rebel Wilson and Mandy Moore, thanks to its notoriously punishing (but apparently highly effective) program.

In the half a day since our arrival, we have been weighed and measured, had a safety whistle attached to each of our backpacks (“just in case you get lost”) and handed walkie-talkies. At which point we are piled into two vans and driven off into the mountains for an “introductory” 14km hike in the mud, four litres of water bulging on our backs.

By the time we arrive at the dinner table, we are aching, hungry and in various degrees of minor shock. Having flown in from Australia only that morning, I am also hungover, jet-lagged and deeply regretting not reading the packing instructions more closely.

There is a collective sigh of relief when a main course does appear (a roast sweet potato with Mexican beans and avocado) but it is small comfort. Today was only a brief taster of The Ranch’s signature brand of exquisite, expensive deprivation. Over the coming days, we have 5:30 am wake-up calls, more endurance hikes along with hours of daily circuit training and yoga to look forward to, all the while subsisting on about 1400 calories of organic vegan food. Of course alcohol, caffeine, gluten, soy and sugar are strictly forbidden.