How To Conquer Panic Attacks

Inexplicable feelings of mortal terror strike one-third of Canadians each year. Here is one woman’s journey back to reassurance.

- Bonnie Munday

It's 6 P.M.

ON A SEPTEMBER EVENING IN 2001 AND

I’m driving our minivan on a Toronto highway, heading to dinner at my parents’ house. My husband has been in Bermuda for three weeks, where he has landed a two-year contract, and he’s looking for an apartment so I can join him. Now it’s just me and my little black poodle, making the half-hour drive I’ve done hundreds of times.

The top story is on the radio: the 9/11 terrorist attack. It seems like I can’t get away from the shocking news. As I approach a bridge, my heart suddenly starts beating rapidly and my legs turn to jelly.

You’re going to drive off the bridge, a voice in my head warns. Now, my arms are numb. You’re about to lose control and die. I’m terrified. My hands grip the wheel – I just want to make it over the bridge and to an exit. I do, and then pull into a parking lot and start to cry. What is happening to me?

I tried driving on the highway a week later and, again, panic drove me to the first exit. After that, I took only smaller, slower roads. Weeks later, I moved to Bermuda, where we didn’t have a car. I was so relieved. I hadn’t told my husband about the episodes – I knew he loved my independence and strength, and I felt ashamed of being so weak.

To get around, I rode on the back of our motor scooter or took the bus when I went somewhere on my own. I did this often over the first couple of months, but one day, when I rode the bus into town to do some Christmas shopping, my heart started racing. Sure enough, next came the sweating, the jelly legs and the feeling that somehow I’d lose control or “go crazy.”