Mirror, Mirror, On The Gym Wall

Cultural expectations about manhood are fuelling a silent epidemic of eating disorders and body image disturbance in men across the country. Can you recognise the warning signs? Do you see any of them in yourself?

- Matt Gagne, Miles Raymer And Dan Simmons

Chris Marvin had a secret morning ritual that he practised at uni. Sunlight creeping through drawn shades, he’d roll out of bed around 7am with a pounding head. After making sure his door was locked, he’d rummage through drawers and the depths of his mini fridge. Then, on a white marble desk that would have been pristine if not for the Thrasher and Mayhem stickers, he’d line up everything he needed to get through the day.

First he’d pop a caffeine pill to feel alive; then he’d chase it with a couple of painkillers – a preemptive strike against the grind of training two hours a day, seven days a week. (“There is no rest muscle,” he’d tell himself.) A hit from his bong would help calm his racing heart. Instead of water, he’d pour a glass of whiskey to wash down his preworkout supplements. Then he’d inject himself in either his glutes or deltoids with black market anabolic steroids. After putting his supplies back in their hiding places, he’d ride his bike 800m from his off-campus share house to uni, where he studied – wait for it – exercise science.

“A kinesiology major doing all that shit? I was a walking oxymoron,” says Marvin, now 32. Nothing could keep him out of the gym, not even injuries that would eventually require surgery. “I’d have my training partner hold my shoulder in its socket so I could do heavy preacher curls. In my mind I was indestructible.”