Influences of the Past

Trying to see myself in a neutral way as far as possible, I have to admit that human relationships have been a very difficult part of my life. Through most of my years, I got quickly disappointed when people did not behave or even think the way I thought was good behaviour or right thought. I then withdrew and did not want to have anything to do with them. Thus I was lonely most of the time. Long after starting with Yoga I began to realize that I could not expect that everyone valued the things that I valued nor resent anyone for behaving in the way he liked and thought right or – even if not right – inevitable. I think this eventual change in me was due to my efforts at ego-reduction. Seen in terms of the Five Kleshas, I realized that Dvesha was strong in me since I rejected so many things that other people had no problems with at all. By “ego”, great subjectivity, i.e. lack of neutrality is meant here. So at a snail’s pace, I began to understand what Dr Jayadeva meant when he said that the world is neutral – although it seems so colourful and full of contrasts. So, again at a snail’s pace, I have become more accepting of other people’s ways. But I am still far from what Doctor said about learning to enjoy the varieties in human personalities. I prefer those who value what I value and abstain from what I abstain. Does that mean that I value them less for their own sake than for getting myself mirrored or affirmed by them?

- Hella Naura

I have always enjoyed peaceful places, but it is rather new for me to also enjoy normally peaceful persons. Yet it is a fact that I have often disturbed the peace of others, mainly when they appear in groups (not so in closer relationships). That usually happens because of my liking for argumentation, debate, and my, maybe, too rigid moral fiber. I also like to challenge others when their kind of peacekeeping seems to me to be a lazy, hollow kind of peace. But at least I no longer lose my temper to the extent that I explode. Learning more about Vrittis, Kleshas, and Samskaras, i.e. that every mental process, experience, and action that one has gone through, leave latent impressions on one’s mind. This has made me realize that the roots of my explosive behaviour reach far, far back into my childhood. It was then that many impressions of pain, anger, and frustration were formed, which in the run of years got strengthened. So whenever these get touched subconsciously by certain words or behaviours by others, they come out of their latency to manifest as inadequate reactions of mine. So when even today I might, very rarely, shout at persons in front of me, I do not really shout at them but at those, with whom I had to suppress shouts, tears, and various feelings far back in childhood.