Cool as cucumbers

MY father was a meat-and-two-carbs kind of a guy, who was cursed in his rare liking of cucumbers, which reduced him to a chest bashing hiccuper.

- Mark Diacono

It would have irritated him intensely that World Cucumber Day falls on his birthday in mid-June. Quite why it does —too late to sow and too early to harvest your own-is anyone's guess, but it has become a handy reminder: after taking flowers to the old man's grave, I check my plants. If they are growing well, I know I'm in for a good crop.

'Goblin's smaller fruits are perfect for pickling'

Cucumbers are about 95% water, but that remaining sliver does all the work. Choice of variety makes a huge difference to that 5% and the flavour and texture it provides. Indeed, the best homegrown varieties are so superior to those in the shops that they shouldn't go by the same name.

Cucumbers fall into two main groups; greenhouse and outdoor types. Greenhouse varieties produce early and reliably in the warm conditions, but they prefer humidity—which tomatoes don't -So you have a choice between growing either one or the other in a greenhouse or compromising optimal conditions for both. Also, bear in mind that male flowers (those without a mini-fruit behind the bloom) have to be removed in the enclosed environment to prevent cross pollination, which can result in bitter, seed-filled fruit. Some greenhouse cucumbers (including 'Merlin') have been bred to produce only female flowers, which saves this hassle.