Some signings turn out to be so bad they are unwittingly the most entertaining thing on the pitch
There are rare moments in football when all the crowd’s bubbling frustration and frothing rage is transmuted into pure gold by the magic of a single man. Usually it requires impudent talent or sublime skill to effect the change, but every once in a while there comes one of those truly precious afternoons when a player produces a display of such fathomlessly cockeyed ineptitude he turns a rock face of jeering and scornful humanity into a happy, chortling and childlike jelly. This month I was privileged to be part of such scenes.
In the close season the home team had plucked a young striker from way down the pyramid. The manager had hailed his new signing as “the answer to our goal-scoring problems”. Watching him on his debut a friend concluded that this lad was not the answer, and that any goal scoring conundrums the club had would not have taxed a contestant on the opening round of an afternoon quiz show. “He seems to be made out of knees,” he said. Questioned on his pace and mobility he responded: “Well, put it this way, there’s moss growing on his north facing side.”
And so I went to see what the lack of fuss was all about. The new striker is a tall, rawboned, floppy haired lad with a head like a Dutch cheese and a tongue that protrudes when he’s thinking. He looks like the sort of big-hearted peasant who in a French film would work a double shift emptying septic tanks in the rain while the boss was round his house impregnating his fiancée.
Denne historien er fra November 2017-utgaven av When Saturday Comes.
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Denne historien er fra November 2017-utgaven av When Saturday Comes.
Start din 7-dagers gratis prøveperiode på Magzter GOLD for å få tilgang til tusenvis av utvalgte premiumhistorier og 9000+ magasiner og aviser.
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Pirate Transmission
Broadcasters around the world are paying huge sums to screen football, but they will not be willing to invest if they cannot be protected.
Scandi Drama
Years before it was screened live in the UK, England’s Football League was building a cult following abroad thanks to a visionary broadcaster.
Pot Of Gold
A rare meeting between two local rivals brought FA Cup fever – and a useful financial boost – to one corner of Hertfordshire
Digital Divide
From earnest post-match punditry to being used in actual players’ matchday preparations, the virtual game is becoming increasingly blurred with reality.
Haringey Ladder
The decision to walk off in the face of abuse has shone a national spotlight on a community club with a progressive approach
Bournemouth 0 Norwich City 0
Dean Court may have received a Premier League facelift but against today’s visitors the home team fail to live up to their status, although the low-quality draw they play out is still somehow reassuring.
Room With A View
Hampden Park
Not In The Script
ARSENAL FILM
Out Of Place...
After another unsuccessful qualifying attempt Martin O’Neill is under pressure, while a poor Republic of Ireland squad is only getting weaker
Uncomfortable Truth
At the end of April Sheffield United surprised many people by re-signing Ched Evans, who, following a retrial, has now been found not guilty of the rape charge for which he spent two-and-a-half years in prison.