Getting Help Is Necessary And Does Not Make You Weak

Twenty two-year-old photographer and UCT graduate Alix Hodge has struggled with mental health her whole life, but has only recently learnt how to reclaim her life. My official diagnosis is long-term depression with mild Aspergers (that went undiagnosed until my late teens), also presenting with manic tendencies and acute PTSD, she says. It sounds awful written down like that, but its actually very helpful to have labels because they make things more manageable.

- Busang Senne

‘Some breakdowns are very difficult to remember. The episode that led to my most serious suicide attempt, which landed me in the ER, was one of those times. My godfather had died, I had moved schools and was struggling to make friends, I’d experienced my first heartbreak, and I heard a rumour that a boy who I had been in a psychiatric clinic with had killed himself. It was an overwhelming time. I remember thinking, “Finally, a good-enough reason to die” – as if suicide before this wasn’t an option because I had no “right” to do it.

‘Dying at that point in my life seemed to make sense. This happened six years ago, and I can retrospectively acknowledge the major reasons that lead to me overdosing. But what I remember is the relief: enough awful things had happened to warrant my own death.

Spiralling out of control

‘My childhood was a very difficult time for me. In high school, bullying, school pressure and family issues made me feel depressed, and I often had suicidal thoughts. I felt terribly lonely. I became self-destructive, developed an eating disorder and harmed myself.

‘During this dark time, one person who really supported me was my godfather. He encouraged me to write and express myself through fictional stories – and this probably saved my life. It was the only thing I could do to control my thoughts in a healthy way.

How to move forward

‘My suicide attempt still haunts me, and it has permanently affected my mind and my body. But it did teach me something very important about suicide itself: it’s never a quick decision. It’s a process and, I believe, something that’s preventable. What I have learnt, and had to learn in order to survive, is to ask for support and to focus on healthy mechanisms to cope. For me, these include writing, filming and art.