Our day had been perfect a long lunch that led to drinks, constant laughter, flirty arm touches and even a kiss. Then we were at my house, having a final nightcap (wine for him, tea for me) – the crescendo in what had been the definition of a slow-burning romance.
This was Tim*: tall, blond, with a mischievous smile; the man I had been in love with since meeting at school more than 15 years earlier. He’d been a constant friend.In my eyes, he was The One. So you might imagine what happened next was happily predictable. Not quite. Tim went up to the bedroom, but I couldn’t seem to follow him, instead of remaining paralyzed with fear downstairs. Tim fell asleep in bed, waiting for me to come up. The next morning, I pretended I’d somehow fallen asleep on the sofa – the truth being far too shameful to admit.
I was sober, and the thought of having sex without a drink was just too terrifying for me to contemplate.
It was mid-December 2019, and I had given up alcohol two months earlier – ironically, partly because of sex. Despite my bedroom jitters, at 30, I’ve had my share of sexual encounters. Indeed, before I stopped drinking, I would have described myself as very sexually confident. Yet many of my relationships were not only entirely based on sex, but also fuelled by alcohol. I’m not sure I knew there was any other way to show love and affection, aside from a drunken tumble into bed at the end of the evening.
My attitude to sex was the same, regardless of the kind of relationship I was in. Whether it was a new man, a long-term boyfriend or even a husband (I married in 2014 and we split in 2018), I rarely had the confidence to be intimate without alcohol.
Today, I find myself in an entirely uncharted zone: ready to launch myself into what I hope will be an emotionally fulfilling, honest and mature sexual relationship – but unable to.
Denne historien er fra April 13, 2020-utgaven av WOMAN'S OWN.
Start din 7-dagers gratis prøveperiode på Magzter GOLD for å få tilgang til tusenvis av utvalgte premiumhistorier og 9000+ magasiner og aviser.
Allerede abonnent ? Logg på
Denne historien er fra April 13, 2020-utgaven av WOMAN'S OWN.
Start din 7-dagers gratis prøveperiode på Magzter GOLD for å få tilgang til tusenvis av utvalgte premiumhistorier og 9000+ magasiner og aviser.
Allerede abonnent? Logg på
ANITA NAIK A PROBLEM SHARED
Mum-of-two Anita Naik has been an agony aunt for 32 years
ON SAFARI IN SOUTH AFRICA
Add the wilds of Kruger National Park to your bucket list, says Amanda James
'LET'S RAISE SOME SERIOUS CASH!'
The Radio 2 DJ is among the hosts of Children In Need…
THREE WOMEN ONE DRESS
Gemma Stevens, 34, needed a wedding dress that had stood the test of time
HOW TO HAVE A SILENT NIGHT
Trouble nodding off? Waking in the early hours? Our experts can help
MIND OF MY OWN
The Woman's Own columnist has her say on I'm a Celeb, work attire and young drivers
I THOUGHT HE'D COME TO KILL ME
For Sally Meeson, 45, the end of a relationship was the beginning of a nightmare
Loose Women IN CRISIS
With unhappy viewers and panel fall-outs, are the key characters about to be axed?
MAGNIFICENT MAURITIUS
Pe This istand in the ut 7% Indian Ocean feels Sa: like paradise, says Charlotte Richards
I HATE BEING A MUM
One woman, 55, reveals why she resents all of the sacrifices she made to be a mother