Our day had been perfect a long lunch that led to drinks, constant laughter, flirty arm touches and even a kiss. Then we were at my house, having a final nightcap (wine for him, tea for me) – the crescendo in what had been the definition of a slow-burning romance.
This was Tim*: tall, blond, with a mischievous smile; the man I had been in love with since meeting at school more than 15 years earlier. He’d been a constant friend.In my eyes, he was The One. So you might imagine what happened next was happily predictable. Not quite. Tim went up to the bedroom, but I couldn’t seem to follow him, instead of remaining paralyzed with fear downstairs. Tim fell asleep in bed, waiting for me to come up. The next morning, I pretended I’d somehow fallen asleep on the sofa – the truth being far too shameful to admit.
I was sober, and the thought of having sex without a drink was just too terrifying for me to contemplate.
It was mid-December 2019, and I had given up alcohol two months earlier – ironically, partly because of sex. Despite my bedroom jitters, at 30, I’ve had my share of sexual encounters. Indeed, before I stopped drinking, I would have described myself as very sexually confident. Yet many of my relationships were not only entirely based on sex, but also fuelled by alcohol. I’m not sure I knew there was any other way to show love and affection, aside from a drunken tumble into bed at the end of the evening.
My attitude to sex was the same, regardless of the kind of relationship I was in. Whether it was a new man, a long-term boyfriend or even a husband (I married in 2014 and we split in 2018), I rarely had the confidence to be intimate without alcohol.
Today, I find myself in an entirely uncharted zone: ready to launch myself into what I hope will be an emotionally fulfilling, honest and mature sexual relationship – but unable to.
Denne historien er fra April 13, 2020-utgaven av WOMAN'S OWN.
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Denne historien er fra April 13, 2020-utgaven av WOMAN'S OWN.
Start din 7-dagers gratis prøveperiode på Magzter GOLD for å få tilgang til tusenvis av utvalgte premiumhistorier og 9000+ magasiner og aviser.
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