Our day had been perfect a long lunch that led to drinks, constant laughter, flirty arm touches and even a kiss. Then we were at my house, having a final nightcap (wine for him, tea for me) – the crescendo in what had been the definition of a slow-burning romance.
This was Tim*: tall, blond, with a mischievous smile; the man I had been in love with since meeting at school more than 15 years earlier. He’d been a constant friend.In my eyes, he was The One. So you might imagine what happened next was happily predictable. Not quite. Tim went up to the bedroom, but I couldn’t seem to follow him, instead of remaining paralyzed with fear downstairs. Tim fell asleep in bed, waiting for me to come up. The next morning, I pretended I’d somehow fallen asleep on the sofa – the truth being far too shameful to admit.
I was sober, and the thought of having sex without a drink was just too terrifying for me to contemplate.
It was mid-December 2019, and I had given up alcohol two months earlier – ironically, partly because of sex. Despite my bedroom jitters, at 30, I’ve had my share of sexual encounters. Indeed, before I stopped drinking, I would have described myself as very sexually confident. Yet many of my relationships were not only entirely based on sex, but also fuelled by alcohol. I’m not sure I knew there was any other way to show love and affection, aside from a drunken tumble into bed at the end of the evening.
My attitude to sex was the same, regardless of the kind of relationship I was in. Whether it was a new man, a long-term boyfriend or even a husband (I married in 2014 and we split in 2018), I rarely had the confidence to be intimate without alcohol.
Today, I find myself in an entirely uncharted zone: ready to launch myself into what I hope will be an emotionally fulfilling, honest and mature sexual relationship – but unable to.
Denne historien er fra April 13, 2020-utgaven av WOMAN'S OWN.
Start din 7-dagers gratis prøveperiode på Magzter GOLD for å få tilgang til tusenvis av utvalgte premiumhistorier og 9000+ magasiner og aviser.
Allerede abonnent ? Logg på
Denne historien er fra April 13, 2020-utgaven av WOMAN'S OWN.
Start din 7-dagers gratis prøveperiode på Magzter GOLD for å få tilgang til tusenvis av utvalgte premiumhistorier og 9000+ magasiner og aviser.
Allerede abonnent? Logg på
MIND OF MY OWN
The Woman's Own columnist has her say on the gender gap, cats and timed hugs
Check out CHICAGO
With a spectacular skyline, sandy beaches and great food, the Windy City is calling, says Zoe West
LET'S EMBRACE OUR CHRISTMAS TAT!
Becky Dickinson explains why she'll still be rocking around her tinsel-strewn tree this year
BURIED SECRETS
We look at the shocking cases of celebrities posthumously accused of being sexual predators-and how they got away with it
FESTIVE NO-BAKES
Pop on the Christmas tunes and whip up a batch of these easy sweet treats
PROTECT YOUR SMILE
Are you doing enough to look after your teeth and gums?
'TIS THE SEASON TO SHINE!
At last, Hayley McCrossan, 39, feels fit and healthy
FOR THE LOVE OF TOM
When Deborah Mitchell, 57, lost her son, she vowed to help other families facing the same heartbreak
THE NURSE WHO LEFT MY GRANDAD FOR DEAD belict
Rachael Fealey, 31, had one question for the woman who killed her beloved Grampa - how could you?
Coleen's MONEY WORRIES
What are the reasons behind her financial and marriage fears?