LEARN HOW TO PLEASE YOURSELF

The festive season can be an incredibly stressful time, particularly for peoplepleasers who struggle to put their own needs first

- SARAH TULLOCH

Christmas is perceived by most of us as a season of joy and goodwill. But for many, it comes wrapped in suffocating pressure – relentless obligations, juggling expectations and the draining pursuit of trying to make everyone happy. From believing you have to say yes to every invitation, to feeling compelled to uphold traditions and family commitments, the festive period can easily become one of internal conflict and exhaustion, particularly for people-pleasers.

“Growing up, many of us – especially women – receive messages about how we should behave and show up in the world,” says Charlotte Bailey, a psychotherapist who specialises in helping women to overcome their people-pleasing tendencies.

“We’re taught to be ‘good’, defined as polite, agreeable, suppressing our own needs and putting others first. This conditioning, both explicit and implicit, often leads to habitual self-sacrifice, especially during Christmas, when cultural pressures to make everything perfect are at their peak.”

People-pleasing is a learned coping mechanism, a manifestation of the “fawn” response. “Fawning” involves appeasing others to defuse potential conflict and maintain safety when we feel threatened.

“What’s important to understand is that feeling threatened doesn’t necessarily mean facing physical danger,” says Charlotte. “Our nervous system can interpret emotional or social discomfort, like the risk of rejection or disapproval, as a threat. If you’ve grown up in an environment where conflict felt unsafe or acceptance was conditional, your brain may have learnt to treat any hint of disappointment from others as a danger signal. This leads to the automatic urge to appease and put others first.”