PUNISHMENT

And so the Lord created two huAmass in His image, called Adam and Eve. And He put them in the Garden of Eden and provided them with everything that they could want.

- SIMON RICH

And all He asked in return was that they not eat from the Tree of Knowledge. But, lo, it came to pass that they did eat from this tree. And when the Lord saw that they had disobeyed Him, He was filled with wrath. And so He said to Eve, "Because you have done this, I will make your labor pains severe, and you will suffer greatly during childbirth." And to Adam He said, "From this day forth, you will work by the sweat of your brow in the fields, and indeed you shall die there, for you are made of dust, and to dust you shall return." And banished Adam and Eve and brought forth His Angel to guard the Garden with a flaming, whirring sword for all eternity.

And when Adam and Eve were out of earshot, the Lord turned to His Angel and said, "Was that too harsh?" And the Angel stared back at Him and said, "Uh, yeah, probably. They ate one piece of fruit." And the Lord groaned and said, "Why didn't you stop me?" And the Angel said, "We're supposed to be a united front. If we contradict each other, it'll just make them confused." And she shook her head and said, "What was with that 'dust' thing?" And the Lord sighed and said, "I don't know. I knew it was crazy even while I was saying it, but I couldn't stop myself.

It was just, like, out of nowhere I heard my dad's voice coming out of my mouth.' And the Angel said, "Well, I guess we should go talk to them." And the Lord said, "What do you mean?" And the Angel said, "You know, to tell them we changed our mind about the punishment." And the Lord said, "No, we've got to follow through. Otherwise, they'll never take anything we say seriously again!" And He handed her the sword and set it on fire and told her to start whirring it.

And the Angel said, "I really don't think we're going about this right." And the Lord said, "Just let me handle the discipline, O.K.? I know what I'm doing."