The parent trap

IS HAVING A CHILD ALL THAT IT'S CRACKED UP TO BE? MUCH DEPENDS ON THE SUPPORT YOU RECEIVE AND WHETHER YOU HAVE COME TO TERMS WITH OLD EMOTIONAL WOUNDS, SAYS JEANETTE LI.

- JEANETTE LI

Growing up, my world seemed perfect. A beautiful home, doting parents, and affectionate siblings painted a picture of idyllic family life. But behind the glossy veneer lurked a darker reality: financial struggles, a philandering father, and a mother who became the sole pillar of our family.

Mum single-handedly raised the three of us on very little money. She didn’t believe in handouts or asking for help. There were days we’d live on sausages and beans or instant noodles and fried eggs. While she worked (and studied) to finance the household and pay off my father’s credit card debts, he pulled away further from us, finding work overseas. Eventually, we discovered he had another wife who bore him two children. When he was asked to pick only one family, he chose them over us. It broke my mum so badly, she fled the country after the divorce to find herself.

Even as older children, we felt abandoned and blamed ourselves for their fractured marriage. These early wounds cast a long shadow over my future relationships. I was drawn to misogynists; guys who made me feel very small and ugly. I had very low self-esteem and became very needy, clinging onto relationships that were doomed to fail. When I was dating my husband, he would constantly remind me that he never wanted children. I should have seen this as a red flag, but because of the childhood baggage I carried, I desperately wanted this relationship to work. So I settled.