Pop goes the union

It's a wee, thin piece of plastic, barely a centimetre long, but it's as good as a whole new referendum to reaffirm that the Brexit spirit is alive and in grumbling good health.

- Jane Clifton

While the rest of Europe has either embraced or is quietly tolerating the new European Union (EU) requirement for bottle tops to be tethered to plastic bottles, many Britons are behaving as though this was the most dastardly calumny visited upon them since the Roman invasion.

The EU now mandates all tops be tethered by a sturdy length of plastic to facilitate recycling of tops, which comprise a remarkable 15% of food-packaging waste. With minimal practice, the tops can be pulled and twisted so they sit far enough away from the bottle neck to not affect drinking or pouring. This was not envisaged as presenting a challenge to any graduate of the sippy cup.

However, to take it from the British media - and furious regular reader mailbags these tops are an outrage and an actual public danger. Casualty statistics are not yet known, but prominent investigative journalist Isabel Oakeshott recently warned Daily Telegraph readers the jagged unscrewed tops caused "scratched skin and lacerated lips". She urged people to research TikTok tutorials on safe drinking.