THE first time I was told that I was beautiful was on a train. Barely touching 14, I was on my way back from my boarding school for the dreaded holidays, trying to stay as invisible as one could. Yet a kind lady, who looked like a beautiful goddess herself, with long flowing hair, had somehow found me and declared it out aloud, not once, but twice. My teenage body, hiding a lifetime of abuse and shame, went into what I would realise decades later, were the symptoms of a panic attack. Much to her shock, I had to race without excusing myself and run to the bathroom of the first class AC compartment to throw up. That's what acts of love can do to you. Random acts of kindness from random strangers become pivotal moments in your life. That's the power of being called beautiful. You may think it doesn't matter and you can hide in intellectual or sports pursuits, that you are holier than thou when it comes to the trillions of dollars spent worldwide to market all kinds of beauty products-from billboards to your social media feed, and so on. But it does. I was reading or hiding inside a book, The Bluest Eye, by Toni Morrison. It was, ironically, about an abused child called Pecola Breedlove who wanted to be beautiful so that she could be loved and accepted and thought that having blue eyes would make her beautiful. Part of my abused childhood and parental neglect was that I was allowed to read and do things that I shouldn't be allowed to, until at least half a decade later.
Decades later, fragments of what I had written here and there came together and The Water Phoenix-my magical realism memoir about an abused child's lifelong search for what was love and what wasn't-was published and won the hearts of endless abused kids, now adults, who have never felt beautiful. Or wanted. A book has endless layers, as each reader reveals to me. An abused child is made to feel ugly every single day.
Denne historien er fra March 21, 2024-utgaven av Outlook.
Start din 7-dagers gratis prøveperiode på Magzter GOLD for å få tilgang til tusenvis av utvalgte premiumhistorier og 9000+ magasiner og aviser.
Allerede abonnent ? Logg på
Denne historien er fra March 21, 2024-utgaven av Outlook.
Start din 7-dagers gratis prøveperiode på Magzter GOLD for å få tilgang til tusenvis av utvalgte premiumhistorier og 9000+ magasiner og aviser.
Allerede abonnent? Logg på
Layers Of Lear
Director Rajat Kapoor and actor Vinay Pathak's ode to Shakespeare is an experience to behold
Loss and Longing
Memories can be painful, but they also make life more meaningful
Suprabhatham Sub Judice
M.S. Subbulakshmi decided the fate of her memorials a long time ago
Fortress of Desire
A performance titled 'A Streetcart Named Desire', featuring Indian and international artists and performers, explored different desires through an unusual act on a full moon night at the Gwalior Fort
Of Hope and Hopelessness
The body appears as light in Payal Kapadia's film
Ruptured Lives
A visit to Bangladesh in 2010 shaped the author's novel, a sensitively sketched tale of migrants' struggles
The Big Book
The Big Book of Odia Literature is a groundbreaking work that provides readers with a comprehensive introduction to the rich and varied literary traditions of Odisha
How to Refuse the Generous Thief
The poet uses all the available arsenal in English to write the most anti-colonial poetry
The Freedom Compartment
#traindiaries is a photo journal shot in the ladies coaches of Mumbai locals. It explores how women engage and familiarise themselves with spaces by building relationships with complete strangers
Love, Up in the Clouds
Manikbabur Megh is an unusual love story about a man falling for a cloud. Amborish Roychoudhury discusses the process of Manikbabu's creation with actor Chandan Sen and director Abhinandan Banerjee
