Gagging for more Kay crackers

A CEMENT mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

-  JERRY LAWTON 

So this bloke says to me: “Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?” I thought: “That’s all I need – a Je-hoover’s witness.” 

Mate of mine has just been sacked off the dodgems. But he’s doing them for funfair dismissal. 

I think animal testing is a terrible idea. They get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. Phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

Sex is like playing Bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says: “Your eyes sparkle like dimonds.” I said: “Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck.”

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said: “Are you going to help?” I said: “No, six should be enough.”

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: “Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here.”