Africa Makes a Detour

I saw this in a Sunday paper: "South Africa welcomed 7.2 million tourists between January and October last year, with more than 76% of them coming from Africa."

- BEN TROVATO

Well, that's just not true. We sighed at their attempts to drive on our roads, rolled our eyes at the things they wore and elbowed them aside when they got in our way.

If you don't own a business or a shop, the only way you can make money out of tourism is if you kidnap a tourist and hold him to ransom. Not ideal, because you then have to feed them and take them to the bathroom.

It's like looking after an infirm relative. Far easier just to mug them. It's old school, I know, but we South Africans don't like to move with the times. It is the times that must move with us.

For some reason, mugging doesn't come naturally to a lot of white people, even though they'd quite like to have euros, pounds or dollars in their collection. Too mannered, perhaps. "I'm terribly sorry, but would you mind handing over your that's a lovely shirt you're wearing. A dashiki, you say? Mind if I ask where you got it from? Are you hungry? I know a divine sushi place around the corner..."

Whichever way you look at it, tourists exist solely to be exploited. We don't care if they're enjoying themselves or getting the best photos. We only care that we're enjoying ourselves. And this is how it should be. We are a nation of sociopaths, not empaths.

So, 7.2 million tourists in 10 months. If each tourist represented a litre of beer, they could only fill three Olympic-size swimming pools. That's pathetic. I have just spent four months in Paris. Fifty million tourists invaded that city last year; 11 million during the Olympic fortnight alone. That's why the French hate people.