Rachel's red card for Siya

Dear Siya, Congratulations on the impending severance of your matrimonial bonds.

- Ben Trovato

Too many people talk about divorce as if it's a bad thing. They have no idea. The happiest day of my life was when I got divorced for the first time. I got married a second time just to again experience the sheer joy that comes with ending an unhappy marriage.

It's the best feeling in the world. I expect you're already scouting around for wife #2 who lacks what it takes to stay with you forever. Rachel hung in there for eight years. That's fine when you're young, but you're getting on a bit now and I suggest you find someone who will bail after, say, five years.

The duration can be reduced incrementally so that by the time you reach wife #7, the marriage would hopefully not last longer than six months or so.

The chattering classes would have it that news of your and Rachel's uncoupling came as a devastating blow to the hopes and dreams of the nation. One reporter said the announcement "shook the country".

Hyperbole, much? The news left me mildly stirred but far from shaken. However, it did get me out of bed and down to the tote to put a few grand on it all being your fault. For some reason, they weren't taking bets, which is ironic since you now play for the Hollywoodbets Sharks.

Pity. The permutations would be staggering.