I'm saying nothing' Lulu stays silent until midday - why can't I?

Lulu has different imperatives from you or me. She needs to preserve her voice for singing, and as she embarks on her farewell tour at the age of 75, she has shared her methods: she doesn't talk at all until noon.

- Zoe Williams

She stays in her room, she says, which makes it easier. I like to think of her doing all that in a silk eye mask.

I also wonder whether there's a wider life lesson here. I've nothing to conserve, vocally, but it's possible my compadres could use a little peace and quiet.

The longest I've ever stayed silent before is when I had a colleague who was a gambler. He liked to be accompanied to William Hill but said it curdled his luck if we talked. So regularly, a bunch of us would have to spend maybe three and a half minutes in silence.

I always came out of there feeling sick. But that was the 90s, and I'm wiser and more peaceful now. 8 am My spouse is working full time to break my resolve with provocative statements, but this only makes me more dug-in, and -sidebar-marriage is great, kids, you should try it.

"Look at the vape capitals of the UK," he says, "they map directly onto Leave-voting areas." "No, no, no," I text, "weak causality." But he's not even looking at his phone, he's on to Holly Willoughby, and whether being a small-nation's sweetheart will translate into global screen success, per her Netflix deal.