MUSIC TO YOUR EARS

A round of golf is often a rollercoaster of emotions, but these ten phrases will bring comfort to anyone...

- FERGUS BISSET & JEREMY ELLWOOD

'You're still in'

You've carved one so far right that it's heading for a different postcode. You're rooting in your bag for a 'provisional' when your playing partner halts you in your tracks. "You're still in." What?

After you had turned away, your ball struck a lorry on a dual carriageway two fields over and rebounded towards the course. Halfway back, with energy fading it was caught on a freak geyser eruption and propelled back within the bounds of the course. Well, you make your own luck.

'I'll pick you up'

You're off for a full day's golfing with friends. It's going to be great - 36 holes at a top course and your significant other is away, giving you a completely free pass. The only problem is, how are you going to fully enjoy yourself without a few bevvies pre, between and post rounds? You're considering bus routes, taxis and even a very long walk when the call comes in, "I'll pick you up." Yes, it truly is a beautiful life.

'The course is open'

For all the heartache and suffering that the game causes, most golfers are eternal optimists. They truly believe that their next game might be different; it could be the one. But with rain lashing down all through the night, surely the course will be closed: "I'm going to be denied the chance to post the round of my life," you think. At 8am, a tentative phone call goes into the pro shop.... "Is it, I don't suppose it's..."; "Yes, the course is open."

'That's a gimme'

We all hate those tricky short shots - they should go in, they almost always go in, but sometimes they darn well don't. You know it's highly missable. So when your opponent lets you off this shot by awarding a gimme, it's hard not to show a slight touch of relief. Instead, you can pretend you're Tony Jacklin and your opponent is Jack Nicklaus and you've just tied the Ryder Cup.