THE big REVEAL

Approaching 50 was the trigger for Becky Dickinson to finally embrace her naked ambition

- Becky Dickinson

I'm standing in the middle of a room, surrounded by a group of strangers. There are 12 of them; nine men and three women. They're staring at me. And I'm completely naked. Not so much as a plaster over my nipples. It's like one of those anxiety dreams except without the benefit of waking. There's no escape. Well, other than the door. But hopefully, that's locked.

As someone who hasn't worn a bikini in 16 years (thanks, kids), let alone gone topless on a beach, I'm about as far out of my comfort zone as Jupiter is from Earth. But in some kind of menopausal moment, I thought it would be a good idea to try a life drawing class. Not as an artist, but as the model. The nude model. And, like most of my bright ideas, I'm now having second thoughts.

Like most women, I've always seen the (perceived) flaws in my own body. Living in a society that objectifies women and girls from a young age, it's almost impossible not to grow up seeing yourself as you feel seen by others - i.e., men. When you reach a certain age and society finally looks the other way, it should feel like a relief. But somehow it doesn't. The same pressures apply, but the goals change from looking desirable to looking younger.

An opportunity

While, on the one hand, we are exhorted to reject the idea of a 'bikini body', on the other, we are bombarded with adverts for fillers and anti-aging creams. Never mind experience, wisdom, insight; it's as if the holy grail of ageing is simply not to look your age.