Why you need a MARRIAGE MOT

Feel like your relationship needs a refresh? Married therapists Sarah and Matt Davies share what they've learnt about keeping the spark alive

- JULIE POWELL

After years with the same person, marriage can feel a bit like your favourite jumper - familiar and comfy but a little dull and frayed around the edges. Wish you could get back some of the excitement and feel closer to your partner again?

Meet Sarah, an embodiment coach, and Matt Davies, a psychotherapist and psychosexual therapist, who are happily married and have known each other for 25 years. Based on personal and professional experience of a variety of relationships, they have co-authored a book* about the secrets of lasting love.

'Research around couples who think that they've found The One shows they are often more complacent and believe they are automatically going to stay together,' explains Sarah. 'This means they don't make as much effort to look after their relationship and nurture it.'

'There are bound to be "niggles and disappointments",' says Matt, but you have to work together to solve them.

Sarah and Matt first went to couples counselling themselves after the tragic death of one of their twins. They've been back numerous times since. 'For ongoing bumps and difficulties,' explains Matt. 'It's helped us recognise patterns in our behaviour and how to get unstuck.'

'When we are both feeling emotionally needy, stressed and overwhelmed, we get into what we call our behaviour hamster wheel,' adds Sarah. 'I take on this bossy mother-figure role and Matt becomes more childlike and dependent. We have had to learn to recognise and unpick what we were doing, because this dynamic was so unsatisfying and unsexy.'

'Lifelong love evolves,' says Sarah. 'Trying to change the other person in your relationship is exhausting and doesn't work, but you can change your behaviour and adapt and grow together. Try our tips to reset your relationship.'

1 Treat your partner like a stranger