Chivalry And Modern Manners

Navigating etiquette guidelines in a progressive society.

- Caitlin Wheeler

It is hard to imagine a cuter scene than the annual Valentine's Day Tea at St. David’s School in Raleigh. Dressed in coats and ties, second-grade boys escort second-grade girls — all in red party dresses — to their tables. The boys pull out chairs for their partners and gallantly pass cookies. Pinkies are not necessarily extended, but napkins are in laps. Emily Post would approve.

For the most part, parents — who are invited to the event as observers — approve, too. However, second-grade teacher Abby Brown says last year was the first time several parents expressed doubts. Is teaching traditional etiquette, with its age-old gender differentiation, appropriate in an age proud of its strong, independent girls and women? Here are four arguments to consider.

THE KINDNESS ARGUMENT

Chivalry, Brown says, is all about kindness, respect and “being aware of the people around you.”

“Should a boy hold a door for a girl?” she asks. “Absolutely. And not just for a girl. It’s important to form habits of respect and awareness for everyone around you.”

Teachers at St. David’s School place a huge emphasis on character development and showing kindness and respect to teachers, parents and peers.

“We focus on this in everything we do, and the traditional manners we teach at our Valentine’s Tea are central to that message,” Brown says.

Margaret Vermillion, co-director for Durham Junior Cotillion, agrees that chivalry is simply a matter of learning to adjust your behavior to make other people feel comfortable.

“It feels good when someone holds the door open for you,” she says. “You feel respected. And it feels bad if you’re sitting across from someone chewing with their mouth open or slurping their soup.”