WE who live in the age of modern dentistry must count ourselves among the most blessed. Even in my youth&mdash;just yesterday, really &mdash;the taxi ride from school to the orthodontist felt like the condemned&rsquo;s wagon journey from Newgate to the Tyburn gallows, without the benefit of the final stop at the Mason&rsquo;s Arms for a knee-steadier. Medieval history lessons had spoken encouragingly of horn players hired to drown the shrieks of dental patients facing blacksmiths moonlighting as tooth-pullers.<br /><br />Dentists in the 1960s didn&rsquo;t move things forward much. The ones my family frequented lurked myopically in Stygian gloom, squinting beneath head mirrors and exhaling a fug of post-lunch halitosis. Their assistants, usually resembling Rosa Klebb, were hired for brute strength and absence of compassion. The patient waited with dread for the probe&mdash;steadier after lunch than before&mdash;to stick fast in a molar. An injection of joke anaesthetic from an absurdly large syringe prefaced the whine of a drill that sounded a lot faster than it really was.&nbsp;Things improved in the 1980s, when dental hygienists came into my life. Anne-Marie in Wimpole Street had Heidi braids, tiny feet and a delicious way of delivering a ticking-off for poor gum maintenance. It was worth letting&nbsp;them bleed. We developed a marks out-of-10 system and the closer I got to &lsquo;one&rsquo;, the happier I was.&nbsp;She tried to counter this by varying her meet-and-greet procedure. A better presentation meant that, at the next appointment, she would lead the way upstairs in slightly diaphanous nylon overalls, with a cheekily exaggerated swing of her bottom. A poor performance would see us both squeezing into the one-person lift. Or perhaps it was the other way around.&nbsp;Even Anne-Marie was a world apart from the sparkling environment of today&rsquo;s tooth fairies. Our Inverness surgery is space age. Mood music murmurs, doors open and close noiselessly and damsels in medical wear glide about, flashing blinding smiles of reassurance. Everything whispers, even the machine that prints the invoice. What&rsquo;s not to look forward to? I&rsquo;m counting the days until my next hygienist appointment.&nbsp;I have one complaint: my dentist, whom I like very much, is fond of a bit of current-affairs debate to leaven the drilling, filling and billing. He&rsquo;s a Brexiteer; I&rsquo;m not.&nbsp;&lsquo;A fine mess we&rsquo;re in now,&rsquo; I reply when he makes some optimistic reference to a future outside Europe and, before I know it, I&rsquo;ve got a mouth full of fingers and hardware and no way of responding to his litany of justification.&nbsp;When my unintelligible gurgles become too frantic and my eyes bulge, he does give me a break&mdash; for all of five seconds. Then, the sucker thing is stuck to the end of my tongue again and he&rsquo;s off on another rant.&nbsp;At least when my hygienist talks to me, she asks yes/no questions (&lsquo;Kids all right?&rsquo; Deep gurgle for no; high-pitched for yes) or tells me stories that only require non-verbal expressions of joy or sorrow. This week, she told me about her child&rsquo;s piano teacher.&nbsp;Two years ago, the teacher&rsquo;s wife went to live in Glasgow, taking with her Catullus and Debussy, the couple&rsquo;s drolly named pair of Canadian mountain cats. A week ago, the teacher heard scratching at his front door. There was Debussy, emaciated and famished, but, unmistakably, the Debussy he knew and loved. The cat had travelled&nbsp;more than 100 miles from the middle of one city through unfamiliar terrain to find his old home in another city.&nbsp;The pianist decided that Debussy is of an age at which he can make his own decisions as to where he wants to live and hasn&rsquo;t yet troubled to inform his ex.&nbsp;I told our Russian artist neighbour the tale. &lsquo;Pah! That&rsquo;s nothing,&rsquo; she said. She had mice eating neat holes in the sheets in her airing cupboard. Not wanting to make this a capital crime, she caught the mice and humanely placed them outside, only to find them back nibbling indoors again.&nbsp;Eventually, she became convinced that one particular mouse was the main perpetrator. The next time she caught it, she marked it with a dab of yellow-ochre paint and, sure enough, the suspect turned out to be the principal serial offender. She imprisoned the disgraced rodent in a shoebox and released it in a village three miles away.&nbsp;Just one day later, the holes reappeared and&mdash;you guessed it&mdash;Yellow Peril was back. She&rsquo;s moved south to London to try to escape him.

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