The Sadness You Cannot Talk About

Rupam Jain talks about her mental health during this lockdown. How does one begin to explain the inexplicable grief, dread and horrors such forced isolation brings?

- Rupam Jain

There’s one question I have been avoiding.

How are you doing?

‘Okay’ wasn’t the answer.

‘Not okay’ would take longer. And I didn’t know where to begin. Or, if I could tell you. Can I?

I know all about ‘it’s okay to talk’, but you probably know nothing about how it’s done.

To start with, I didn’t know if I was supposed to feel the way I felt. I was home, safe, had essential supplies, could work from home, had internet access to video call my family, had all the time to read and write… surrounded by plants I love to grow, yet I slipped into this dark space, which I came to dread. I was locked home, alone.

While most people tried to make it in time to get back home to family just before lockdown, my timing to return from home back to Hyderabad couldn’t have been more flawed! But as someone who has always been socially distant, quarantine didn’t really bother me. Initially. My trip to Kolkata was good, and though I felt homesick and all of that, I was finally at my personal space, ready to get back to work. The edition was to be released on the 15th of March. That never happened. It was released on 15th June, after lockdown was relaxed.