Do Not Cross

How to set—and maintain—boundaries in your relationships.

- Sarah Treleaven

LIKE A LOT OF health-care professionals, Dr. Brian Goldman finds it extremely difficult to draw boundaries between his work and personal lives. “There’s this view that you should suck it up and do one more thing,” says the Toronto-based ER physician and host of CBC’s White Coat, Black Art. But that “one more thing” often comes at Goldman’s expense.

“You’re exhausted and a patient or their family member looks at you with pleading eyes,” he says. “So you have this dilemma: do you say that your shift is over or do you give until you’re totally spent?”

Goldman’s work stress combined with family tension after his mother was diagnosed with dementia nearly 20 years ago. Caring for her over more than a decade was difficult, as was dealing with his father’s grief. “When someone else is drowning you, you have to grab a life preserver and save yourself,” says Goldman.

Pushing himself too hard for too long sometimes caused Goldman to feel burnt out. “You have a choice,” he says. “Do you break or do you start adopting some healthy limits?”

Setting boundaries isn’t just important for busy professionals; everyone can benefit from managing situations that cause undue stress or pain. Here are some tips on how to draw the line, and stay inside it.

IDENTIFY YOUR LIMITS

It’s easy to become accustomed to a certain level of discomfort in our relationships. When we don’t stand up for ourselves, we can suffer from low self-esteem, which, in turn, leads to us seeing our limits as less important. But recognizing that you need—and have a right to—boundaries is crucial.