NOT ALL DOOM & GLOOM

From stockpiling loo roll to the perils of home-schooling, comedian Nik Rabinowitz reminds us why laughter is such good medicine – especially in these strange times

- Nik Rabinowitz

LIFE in the apocalypse is weird. It ’s Day Five of home-schooling/self-isolation/quarantine and here I am, sitting at the kitchen counter filming our screaming toddler, thinking what the backlash will be from my wife if I post the clip on Instagram when I hear one of my neighbours yell “SHUT UP!” over the wall.

Now I’m thinking how I could respond to the neighbour. I could shout back: “HOW?” Or I could send a care package with a note: “It’s only Day Five, things are going to get so much worse. Here are three rusks and a pair of earplugs. Please enjoy your stay.” I do neither. Partly because I’m scared of human contact, partly because I don’t know how much the cost of rusks might spiral, and I don’t like my neighbour enough to accidentally give her the down-payment for a house.

Until now I thought I was coping excellently, despite all my shows for the foreseeable future vanishing in the wake of Cyril’s speech. Calmly I figured out my next step. If I couldn’t perform for humans, I could do a show for their pets, right? Rename the Baxter Theatre the Barkster? Like doggy daycare, but with jokes? The Canine Comedy Carnival. Then I saw a warning to “stay away from everyone including animals” and I thought, “Well, that’s a no (dog) show.”

Then it happens – a scratchy sensation at the back of my throat. My Jewish hypochondria (which also has no known cure) kicks in immediately. I call my wife who’s a doctor:

Me: “I’ve got a bit of a scratchy throat, love. Do you think I should be tested?”.

Wife/Doctor: “Do you have a temperature?”