When Should You Compromise?

You can’t have your way all the time, but you can’t be a doormat either. Here’s how to walk the line.

A few weeks ago, I stood at the very back of a dive bar at 2 A.M. on a weeknight, texting and wincing through a “British electronic solo project” loud enough that free earplugs were handed out to everyone. (I seemed to be the only one who put mine in.) A few rows up, my boyfriend and two of his friends enthusiastically head-nodded and danced in the crowd. If it were up to me, I’d be fast asleep in my blissfully silent bedroom. But this wasn’t about me: It was about us. More specifically, it was about compromise.

The idea of compromise may not be romantic, but tellingly, its origin is: A blending of the Latin words for “together” and “promise.” As in, “I promise if you watch The Bachelorette with me, I’ll make a giant platter of beefy nachos for your whole fantasy football league.” The art of compromise is necessary to make an adult relationship work—but it’s not always clear-cut. When do you stop being a “team player” and start losing yourself?

“I once dated someone who had an opinion on every outfit I wore, or the presumed intention of every male friend I had, and he was so controlling that I compromised way more than I should have,” says Taylor O., 26. “I would skip outings with friends so that my boyfriend wouldn’t have to be ‘forced’ to spend time with them. Or, I would agree to things I knew would never happen, like moving in with him, to keep the peace until I either came around to the idea or he forgot we’d discussed it. There’s definitely an apologetic, blame-accepting instinct in women that I’ve had to fight myself over.”