How Your Relationship Changes You

Our romantic liaisons can alter who we are – for better... or worse.

- Sarah Marinos

We’ve all seen friends make changes to their lives when they meet someone new. perhaps the couch potato suddenly goes on a major health kick, or the party girl, who was never going to cramp her freedom by having kids, ends up with a brood.

The flipside, though, is when those changes aren’t so positive. Like the outgoing friend who gradually loses her spark. Or the close confidante who becomes so focused on pleasing her partner that she becomes a mere shadow of the person you once knew.

Psychologist Dr Mandy Deeks says our partners and relationships start to shape us at around the six-month stage. ‘That’s when you begin to pick up different habits and beliefs,’ she says. ‘We get our sense of well-being from our relationships. So when someone comes along and we think this might be “it”, and we want the relationship to be “it”, we look for ways to make it so.’ So how can our romantic relationships shape us?

I’m growing and smashing my goals

A positive relationship helps us grow and realise our potential and goals. This is self-expansion, explains Dr Rebecca Pinkus, a social sciences and psychology lecturer. ‘You learn about yourself as well as the other person, and they introduce you to new things, such as new music and new types of food,’ she says. ‘And there is a “self-other” overlap between you and your partner in terms of perspectives, characteristics and resources. We take on some of the characteristics and the perspectives of our partner as our own.’

I’m speaking the language of love