Providing Refuge

We may feel sympathy for asylum seekers, but how many of us act on it? Psychiatrist Emma adams was moved to fight to free an unaccompanied child refugee, Abdul, from immigration detention and welcome him and his brother, Ahad, into her family in Canberra. She relates how her own three teenage boys adjusted, and why she had to do it

THE LOVE I HAVE for my three sons started before they were born. That’s the wonderful privilege of pregnancy: feeling one’s baby grow and move inside us while dreaming and wondering who this person will be. Even after all these years, I can still remember — and always will — the tender hours spent in perfect contentment with my babies: my body curled around my sleeping eldest son, breathing in that beautiful, warm baby scent. The struggles, and the shredded nipples and infections from breastfeeding my second son were real, but when those first months were over, I’ll never forget the joy we found in the happy snuggle of a feed. And my youngest son, contentedly slapping his sticky hands on my chest and playing with my hair as I cradled him in my arms. Just as well we have precious memories like these. They keep us fuelled and keep the thread of connection unbroken when things are not so rosy.

The process of falling in love with our babies — making a place in our hearts for loving a new person — sometimes hurts. The relationship we have with our children often carries an echo of our own experiences of being attached when we were little ourselves. If the memories evoked are not ones of warmth and safety but ones of fear and confusion, this can be extremely hard. Confronting these difficult memories while doing the very best we can for our children is part of the bravery of motherhood.

As a psychiatrist, my career has been devoted to helping mothers with postnatal depression and other mental illnesses, when situations of overwhelming stress, or even the ‘ghosts’ of their own childhood experiences, can get in the way of a parent’s capacity to respond sensitively to their children. Being a mum is a tough job even in the best circumstances. When the odds are stacked against a parent, it is testament to the human spirit that this person endures.