Support Act

Depression in men is now openly talked about, but less visible are the partners of sufferers, who endure corresponding lows and challenges. Grace O’Neill shares her personal story

- Grace O’Neill

I recently tweeted to my modest following that “Men know so much about politics and sport so they have something to talk about that isn’t Their Feelings”. It was an attempt to curate my “witty journalist” online persona, but also I’m convinced it’s true. During the past four years with my boyfriend, Zach, I have become intimately acquainted with the fallout of men’s inability to talk to one another with real depth.

Zach and I moved in the same social circles for years, but we actually met at a frat party at the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA). We were both studying there on exchange: me, film; him, mathematics. We fell for each other quickly; Zach remains one of funniest, kindest and most intelligent people I’ve met.

We spent the next month holed up in our dorms drinking Napa Valley wine out of red college cups or rifling for vintage designer clothes at Silver Lake flea market. It was one of those whirlwind romances you feel won’t translate to real life, but our first two years together back in Sydney were pleasantly simple. When Zach was offered a graduate position at an investment bank in Hong Kong after we’d been discussing where to go next, he signed the contract and we began planning the move.

Looking back, signs were creeping in that things weren’t wholly OK. Sometimes Zach would spend entire days in bed for no apparent reason or go days without eating properly, and party much harder and more often than any of his friends. But everything could be chalked up to something. He stayed in bed for days because he’d partied all weekend; he wasn’t eating because banking jobs are stressful. When he started making big mistakes at work and becoming increasingly apathetic about the move to Hong Kong, it just felt as if he was realising the life of a high-flying investment banker isn’t actually all it’s cracked up to be.