Open Road

Avni Doshi on why she’s questioning motherhood, rather than accepting it as the norm

- Avni Doshi

People ask me if my husband and I are trying. I have been trying as long as I can remember.

In Middle school, I tried not to look awkward in boot-cut jeans. In high school, I tried not to get a C in calculus. I don’t remember much about math but I know that dividing yourself will cut you into smaller parts. I know that subtraction can turn you into a zero. Some days it is a battle not to feel diminished.

I am trying to imagine myself a mother. The idea still seems like a stretch.

My recent move from New York to Dubai has left me feeling fluid, unhinged from the familiar, without family and friends. Here, my home is my haven, a place I dress up to conceal my own sense of non-being. I skim Marie Kondo’s book on tidying to ensure the house is a repository of bliss. But Kondo doesn’t mention what one might do with a newborn. I try to imagine a child in my home. The equilibrium shifts. I, like the house, am made entirely of sharp corners.