When fair comment is foul

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU called your wife beautiful?

- VIV VERMAAK

All the time, right? I wonder why we lie like that. We can all agree that Marilyn Monroe, Charlize Theron and Beyoncé are examples of great beauty. Does your wife look like that? I’m sure if you had a few beers and she had some good lighting, she’s worth a turn, but to go around calling all women beautiful is counterproductive. If everyone is “beautiful” no one is. The adjective is meant to portray physical attractiveness of an exceptional or higher standard. It’s like getting a distinction in good-lookingness.

Most women score between 30% and 70%. They are average, in other words. It’s an ungainly word as a descriptor, I know, but currently the vocabulary needed to label females accurately is either lacking or straining under the pressure of political correctness. Please do not inundate Noseweek with photographs of your wives, girlfriends or family. I know I have not met them and I don’t need to. It is mathematically impossible for me to be incorrect about this most of the time.

Looking at a normal distribution of data, (aka the bell curve) it is pretty clear that most people are mediocre when measured on human characteristics including IQ, height, remuneration and, I would add, attractiveness.