Benefits include unsolicited advice from Patty about why you should go on the keto diet; Patty's Netflix password; long, repetitious monologues from her about whether she should paint her living room Cottage-Cheese White or Cocaine White; and an invitation to Patty and Larry's annual Yom Kippur breakthe-fast supper, at which Larry's third cousin, the actor Pauly Shore, might stop by. If you do not wish to be bound by the new guidelines, you must return the Bundt pan that Patty lent you for one day only last year to make your special Very Merry Berry Monkey Bread.
By reading this far, you have consented to Patty's updated Terms and Conditions.
You are now a Friend of a Friend of Patty's Through Mutual Friend Lenora ($83 a year). This entitles you to run into Patty perhaps at Amour De Hair, while crossing Lexington Avenue, or even at Lenora's baby shower, where Patty will suggest that you two get together over a hot beverage sometime.
If you would like Patty to say this sincerely, there is an additional charge of $300 (plus a $13 processing fee). In the event that she hires an assistant, you'll have to tip the assistant something, too.
This story is from the October 23, 2023 edition of The New Yorker.
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This story is from the October 23, 2023 edition of The New Yorker.
Start your 7-day Magzter GOLD free trial to access thousands of curated premium stories, and 9,000+ magazines and newspapers.
Already a subscriber? Sign In
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