HOW TO SPOT A NARCISSIST

They often look like the most confident person in the room, but narcissists are insecure and desperate for validation, says a new book

Narcissism is the word of our time, and yet it’s deeply misunderstood.

It would be easier if narcissistic people were simply mirror-gazing, self-involved poseurs, but they are much more than that. They are an emotionally abusive romantic partner who belittles you but with whom you sometimes have fun. A toxic boss who berates you in front of your colleagues but whose work you greatly admire. A parent who is jealous of your success but who showed up to all your soccer games when you were a child. A friend who is forever a victim and drones on endlessly about what’s going on in their life with little interest in yours but who has been in your life since you were thirteen.

Even these snapshots fail to capture the complexity that is narcissism. You yourself have likely had one or more relationships with a narcissistic person— and may not have even known it.

What separates a narcissistic person from someone who is self-centred or vain or entitled is the consistency and sheer number of these traits in one person.

But what is also important is the function of these traits— which is to protect the narcissistic person. Narcissism is about deep insecurity and fragility, offset by behaviours like domination, manipulation and gaslighting, which allow the narcissistic person to stay in control.

Because there is such a wide spectrum of narcissism, from mild to severe, people can have very different experiences of this personality style in their relationships.