Ross Noble

The Pommy stand-up comedian and actor takes us through his final day on Earth...

Have you ever felt like you’ve died onstage during a stand-up gig?

When you first start stand-up it happens all the time. It’s because you are terrible but also because you have to play some rough gigs. I once did a party in a farmer’s barn and the stage was a hay loft. As it got dark bats flew past my head — it was like being heckled by vampires!

How do you want to leave this world?

During lovemaking or a funfair-related misadventure.

Do you have any deathbed confessions?

I used to sell death beds relabelled as sun beds.

What’s your last meal?

Bananas served by an aggressive monkey who flies into a jealous rage and kills me.

Are you going to Heaven or Hell?