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SEX talk about sex in 2019 the way they used to talk about having a baby: &ldquo;The gender doesn&rsquo;t matter to me, as long as it&rsquo;s healthy.&rdquo;&mdash;Bri Pruett 
MUTUAL masturbation is like paying a handyman to assemble an Ikea bed instead of putting it together yourself. Either way, you&rsquo;re going to take a nap afterward, but you&rsquo;ll have a better time if someone does it for you.&mdash;Adam Levin 
A girl once told me she wanted to experiment in bed, so I poured a bunch of baking soda and vinegar into her belly button and yelled &ldquo;Behold the majesty of Krakatoa!&rdquo; Anyway, we&rsquo;re married now.&mdash;Ian Karmel 
YOU can tell a man is about to end things when he starts listing all your good qualities in a really sad voice. &ldquo;You&rsquo;re smart. You&rsquo;re successful. You&rsquo;re funny.&rdquo; Oh no. And you&rsquo;re dumping me!&mdash;Marcia Belsky 
A man asked his reclusive brother what he&rsquo;d been up to.
&ldquo;I joined one of those multilevel marketing schemes,&rdquo; the brother replied.
&ldquo;Huh,&rdquo; the man said skeptically. &ldquo;Looking to make a little money on the side?&rdquo;
&ldquo;No, I&rsquo;m looking for people to stop inviting me to stuff or contacting me for any reason.&rdquo;&mdash;Joseph Scialabba 
A girl once told me she wanted to role-play in bed, so I threw 20-sided dice as a saving roll against a cacodemon&rsquo;s fire attack. Anyway, we&rsquo;re married now.&mdash;I.K.
I&rsquo;M not sure if anybody knows this, but female dogs refer to doggy style as &ldquo;the only thing my boring husband ever wants to do.&rdquo;&mdash; Amy Silverberg 
LIFEHACK: If you stand outside a nice restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally give you the keys to their car.&mdash;J.S.
WE&rsquo;VE all seen the articles asking why millennials are having less sex than baby boomers. Well, you&rsquo;d have less sex too if you could masturbate to anime porn while ordering Chipotle.&mdash;Andy Haynes 
IF you&rsquo;re not five minutes early, you&rsquo;re five minutes late. Unless you text &ldquo;OMW&rdquo; and just show up whenever.&mdash;B.P.
IT&rsquo;S scary how happy the skip intro button makes us. We&rsquo;re all so horned up for TV that even Netflix is like, &ldquo;You wanna ditch this foreplay bullshit?&rdquo; and we&rsquo;re like, &ldquo;PUT IT IN!&rdquo;&mdash;J.S.
LOOK on the bright side: Once you lose your virginity, technically your entire life is postcoital.&mdash;Robert Buscemi 
I used to have sex with straight men like it was going out of style. Little did I know, it absolutely was.&mdash;B.P.
OUR Unabashed Dictionary has been enhanced with four more variations on the term sexting.&hellip; $exting = Sexy texting with a prostitute. Saxting = Sexy texting with the ghost of Clarence Clemons. Steve Saxting = Sexy texting with lifetime .281 hitter Steve Sax. Flaxting = Sexy texting with a burlap sack of ancient grain.&mdash;I.K. 
A girl once told me she wanted to bring another man into bed, so we invited the beloved actor known for his starring roles in Groundhog Day, Lost in Translation and Caddyshack to sleep with us. Anyway, we&rsquo;re Murrayed now. &mdash;I.K.
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PLAYBOY'S party jokes

Newsweek US

WORLD'S MOST TRUSTWORTHY COMPANIES 2024

Globe US

ELLE'S UNORTHODOX CANCER THERAPY

AMERICAN LIZARDSHAMAN MARRIES NORWAY PRINCESS

G-MEN SMASH CHINA SPY RING IN GOV'S OFFICE

Still Doin' It Well

BIG APPLE GAL COLLARED FOR BITING PIT BULL

DISAPPOINTED DUSTIN LEAVING HOLLYWOOD!

KIM GETS HER KICKS SPOILING SOCCER STUD

HOPE and HEALING on HORSEBACK

Terry Crews

Carrie Coon

inTouch

CAMERON: My Life as a Mom of Two

HARRY'S GREAT ESCAPE

DON'T TAKE US Too Seriously!

Closer US

5 SIMPLE WAYS TO LOWER YOUR BLOOD SUGAR

Dating AFTER DIVORCE

I'M SO Blessed

Us Weekly

Vanna & Ryan Take Us for a Spin

I Want to Win an Oscar!

The End Is Near

There's Something About Omar

TV HOUSEWIFE'S HUBBY CONVICTED IN $15M THEFT

RACH PANIAEL OUT OF FRYING PAN & INTO THE FIRE!

HOMESICK HARRY'S QUITTING AMERICA AND HIS MARRIAGE!

FAT CAT TAYLOR HELPS TRAVIS BUILD FORTUNE!

TAMRA FACES UGLY TRUTH!

SKINNY ANGELINA HAS BONE TO PICK

WAS GARY COLEMAN MURDERED?

Is College Worth It?

WHOOPI BEING PAIN IN BUTT OVER NEW DIGS

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